Embracing the Sunlight of a New & Improved Life

Something has come over me within the last few days. I find myself seeking a life I haven't allowed myself to have in the last few years. I was on a mission for reinvention and self discovery and I may have in turn ended up losing some of myself within that process, hiding in my own shadows. I think I used the excuse a lot that I was just trying to do me for awhile.  Although I still have a lot to learn about myself (I think I always will, it is an evolving process), I am starting to become more sure of who I am and who I want to be in the world. Now, many people may say, you're thirty-three, shouldn't you have these things figured out already? My response quite simply...no. I think it took all of my experiences, good and bad, to get to this point and really feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't think I will ever be rid my insecurities and doubts, but I know what I want in life now and what I need. I know now that I can't be afraid to put myself out there. I need to live in the moment. Carpe diem and all that.

I had always envisioned a life for myself that just never panned out. In a way, I am thankful for that. I see now, it never would have truly been my happily ever after. The new revision of life I want for myself has more depth, more soul, and more drive. And yes, the revision still includes my prince charming and my happily ever after. I have not given up on my fairy tale romantic notions.

As I step forward out of my own shadows and look around, I am nervous. Yet, I have never felt more compelled to walk forward into the light and bask in the new experiences and life lessons which will surely follow. As I begin this journey, I know that I have a long way to go, but I am filled with excitement and anticipation that this is going to be a year that I will never forget...

Until next time...xoxo

For the Love of Love

I have once again been negligent when it comes to my blogspot. I can't promise when the next blog will be, but I do promise that they will keep coming!

So yesterday was Valentine's Day, a day I normally dive into with enthusiasm. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am a hopeless romantic. I love being in love. Now before I get reprimanded for that comment, let me explain. I don't mean being in love just to be in love either. It is a meaningful love that I am talking about, one that just feels right, with no hesitations or doubt.


I am a pretty independent woman. I by no means need a man to define who I am. I have learned over the last two years that I am perfectly capable of living an amazing life by myself. However, it does get lonely sometimes. I mean, why have this wonderful life, if I don't have someone amazing to share it with. Of course I have the most incredible family and friends a girl could ask for and I am so happy to share my life with them. But, late at night, when I'm alone in my room (randomly LL Cool J's song "I Need Love " just popped into my head, how fitting), I miss having someone close by to just be there with. The intimacy of a committed relationship was always so important to me. Not just for the physical aspects, but for the psychological ones as well. Just knowing I had that someone there, meant the world to me. It's funny because the way I feel about it, I can't even put it into words. I just have the urge to hug someone so tightly to infuse those feelings into them in hopes that they could possibly even try to fathom it. If I even attempted to try and verbalize it, I think I would describe it as being on a rush or a really good high. I can just feel the love swelling up in my heart. I know I probably sound pretty sappy, but that's me. I have love pouring out of me naturally and to me it is one of the best feelings ever. . again, I am the hopeless romantic. I mean, after all, I was the little girl who dreamed of Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet.

A month ago I had dinner with some good friends of mine and it was there that the reflection of my loneliness was cast into the light for me to see. As I looked around the table I realized every single person that was there was either married with a baby, married with a baby on the way, or engaged to someone and then...there was me. I had a minor breakdown of sorts, I felt like everyone was passing me by very quickly, almost in blur and I was standing in the same place in the middle of all it, unable to really move as I watched them. However, I also realized as anxious as I am to move forward as well. I am NOT going to settle or throw myself at some random person just because I have anxiety over starting a family later in life than I had originally planned. My path may not be the one I envisioned, but maybe that's because it's going to be even better than I had initially thought it would be. I like to think there are bigger plans set out for me, than I had set for myself.

Over the last few weeks after that dinner, I did some soul searching. Being single when you're almost 32 is quite different than being single when you're 22. I feel like the opportunities to meet someone are fewer and far between. There are times when I wish I could have stayed 25 forever, but in a cruel twist of fate I've discovered that in my 30's I have really began to understand who I am. I chalk some of that up to the fact that I've been single for a couple of years and some of it to the fact that with age I have become to understand the world around me a little better. I've also began to understand who I am on the inside as well. And who is that person on the inside you ask? Well, it's the same old me, with a few modifications I guess. I'm a little more jaded, a little more cautious now, but only because I know I deserve someone who will love me back the way that I will love them. Despite all of my reservations about finding Mr. Right, I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I guess some things will never change.

So as another single Valentine's day passes me by. I look forward to the future and continue to work on myself, to create the best possible woman that I can be. I know that being alone is okay and that it won't be forever. I know someone is out there waiting patiently for me too. In the meantime, until he comes along and changes my world, I plan to enjoy the life I have now and learn more about myself. That way when he does show up, I am ready to give that love I have bottled up inside and feel that rush I love so much. I know it will be worth the wait in the end.

love and hugs to you all,

trisha

The 30 Things I Have Learned Since I Turned 30

(Side Note: *So it has been awhile, I know, and for that I am sorry. I have been one busy girl and made no time for my writing ,which makes me kind of sad...especially when I have so many great supporters who have asked for the "triumphant return" of my blog! I promise to be more consistent this time around.......hopefully once a week!)

1. I truly have the most wonderful family and friends a girl could ask for, but who am I kidding I didn't just learn that, I've known that for a long time!

2. Turning 30 did not make me look older...right?

3. Losing weight is sooo much harder than it was when I was 25...sigh!

4. I have to look at men's ring fingers now when I'm checking them out (not so much a 30 thing as a single thing I guess).

5. A glass of Blue Moon with a slice of orange in it could win you a key to my heart!

6. I have developed an obsession for my dvr...pathetic I know.

7. It's fun to party with my little brother.

8. But, on that note, his late night get-togethers when I'm already asleep...not so much!

9. I am rethinking the idea of watching scary movies, I have Paranormal Activity to blame.

10. Returning to your alma mater as a student teacher is strange, but has definitely been fun thanks to my awsome master teacher Erin, and my 11th grade English class!

11. I still marvel and giggle at the randomness of people and children.

12. Do not ever mess with cholas...long story.

13. Nicole Morris is my sister from another mister...we were separated at birf.

14. I learned just how hard a "soft"ball is when it slammed into my forehead on my way to 2nd base.

15. I am still just as clumsy as I was when I was three.

16. Vodka and cranberry are no longer my friend.

17. There really are some people who still have a mean girl high school mentality...really? We're 30 for goodness sake!

18. Weird things continue to happen to me....(for example see picture located on right...what is he doing and who is he?)

19. I have learned that Genie Dang is not only the most wonderful best friend ever, but that she does not do well with bee stings and wine tasting at the same time. Apparently it burns...

20. My best guy friend Kory and I have a deal that if we're both single when I'm 35 we'll pull a "My Best Friend's Wedding" and get married in Vegas...Nicole already has the bridemaids outfits planned!

21. I still have an irrational fear of the dark...seriously I'm not kidding.

22. Working with and teaching children still makes me extremely happy!

23. I have a thing for hot vampires...oh yes, Twilight, True Blood, and Vampire Diaries!

24. My biological clock is ticking louder and louder each day!

25. I now have a wine tasting addiction (3 times in 5 months....and I can't wait for January!!!)

26. I still love to listen to gangster rap sometimes.

27. I realized that the hard part isn't moving on with your own life, the hard part is seeing someone else move on with theirs.

28. I am finally done getting my teaching credentials next month...yes 11 years after I graduated from high school...now off to the English Masters program!

29. My cousin Maren's dog Henry is lying about his real age...

30. I am the godmother to the most precious little baby girl, Ella Michele Sweigart!!!!

I didn't realize how hard it would be to think of thirty things...whew!!!

Until next time...xoxo

The True Woes of an Almost Thirty Year Old Single Gal #1

This is a true tale that is really my life and it happens to be ongoing as I write this.

The new year has begun and I have had some time now to reflect on the past year and look towards the future.

Now that pretty much everyone knows that I am single, I have noticed a change in some people. For one, some people feel an intense need to find me a man. Pretty much the first guy they can think of is the winner in their head. Forget that they barely know the guy or that it would never work in a million years. Pretty much any single guy is a target ( WARNING -if you are a single male...beware you may be the next in the line of fire...I'm not kidding). Though I laugh about it, because it is kind of funny, I have serious qualms with being "set up". Though I have never been on a blind date before, they just sound like a nightmare. So to those who have attempted this, I love you dearly, but it ain't gonna happen that way!Another change is that many have begun to give me strange bits of advice. Though I totally appreciate their "wisdom of dating"...I guess that's what I would call it...it is also a bit intimidating and humiliating at the same time. It's been awhile for me and people know that so they have very good intentions I know. I mean the whole "there are plenty of fish in the sea" cliche has been a used a few times and then there's "a perfect guy out there for you" line as well. Those aren't so bad, I am a romantic and so I believe those quirky little sayings. It's when my age gets brought up that kinda freaks me out. For example, one of my family members whom I saw recently at a family function, was so supportive as we discussed my current situation and then...BAM... five little words popped out of her mouth "don't worry about your age". I stood there a little dumbfounded because I never really thought of it that way. Was my age a problem for dating again? I felt like I was in a movie where the voice in my head started to speak to the audience realizing that to some I may seem like a spinster at the early age of "almost" thirty. What? Have I really become the girl who the family has pity for because she isn't in a relationship at...gasp...thirty...I mean almost thirty? To add a cherry to that special weekend, I was also summoned to the bridal bouquet toss at a wedding on the d.j.'s microphone. Yes let's remind the entire wedding party and guests that "Tri-sha Maa-no" is single. I felt like I was wearing a huge red S on my dress the rest of the night (for single or spinster, I'll let you interpret it as you like.)

So that's where I am at for now and as I said it is an ongoing event and so updates will be posted again...soon I am sure. Until then xoxo!

home for the holidays

ok so this is very late, but i worked on it and so i thought it deserved a go, please ignore any dates mentioned as they all occurred in december!!!

This year's Christmas was wonderful. I had expected it to be a little sad, a little melancholy perhaps, but I was so happy to find that it wasn't. After all, I was home. At my mom's where Christmas is always perfect. The stockings were hung with care above the blazing fireplace, we had the annual themed Christmas tree in all of it's red and white striped glory, baked goodies straight from mom's oven, brand new Christmas eve pajamas (a yearly tradition for my family), family filtering in at different times to visit, and as always the love my mom puts on all of the things she touches (even the creepy little Santa and Mrs. Claus dolls - Jillian feels me on this one). It has always been truly magical at her house.

As I have gotten older I have relished Christmas more, because I am able to contribute more and help out more. The downside to this whole getting older business though is that as we make our own new families and hold better jobs, we don't get to all be together like we did when we were kids. This year we were missing a few family . Jillian and Jared, Rhizi and Matty, and Jocey all had other obligations and while I completely understand, the absence of their presence was noted. It was the first Christmas that I didn't get to see them and I missed them greatly.

However, we had some regulars and new additions this year which is always exciting. Auntie Karen came to visit as usual. I love having her around to hang out with, we always laugh so much. Asa, my cousin Tara and Paul's son was with us for the first time in a long while, as well as Tara and Paul who usually only get to come every other year. They know how to have a good time and so I really enjoyed spending time with them. My Auntie Leona also brought her boyfriend Tom, who really is great guy and obviously makes her very happy. Milanca, my brother Dylan's girlfriend and her son Xavier were also there which was really nice. I love the smile my brother wears when they are around and it was so nice to have a little one around for the holidays as Jocey, our 17 year old, is the youngest baby of our family. There is nothing like the joy of a toddler opening presents and ditching the toy to play with the shredded wrapping paper, packing popcorn, and boxes instead. It made my biological clock start ticking louder than ever.

My mom also celebrated a birthday in this week. My brother insisted we go to a restaurant in Hollywood that he loves. Yamashiros is perched upon the hills in Hollywood and overlooks the entire city. It was a beautiful location and incredible food. My mom had a great time and we all had a wonderful evening with good food, good company, and a great scenic location.

This year I also got to be apart of a great event held by the Dream Center downtown. The Dream Center held it's Sunday service at the Galen Center on the 21st to giveaway 3,000 bikes, 1,000 scooters, and 10,000 toys to the children of Los Angeles. When we arrived the line was wrapped through the city streets and many of those people had been there since 3:00pm the day before just to get bikes for their children for Christmas. Many of them are either homeless or are living in very poor conditions. Caroline Barnett and her husband Matthew Barnett are the pastors of the church. Caroline and I went to highschool together where we were both cheerleaders. We lost contact after school ended and hadn't seen one another in almost ten years. However, we were reconnected by my good friend Danielle (also a HHS alum and cheerleader) and I have been attending Matthew and Caroline's church since. I truly love all of the community outreach the church does, it is amazing and a New Years resolution of mine is to get more involved with the youth, as I love working with them. The event was awesome, celebrity guests performed and then got right into the lines and handed out gifts and took pictures with the kids. We were very blessed to have VIP access and so we were also able to walk around and see the smiles on the children's faces as they received their bikes and toys. Such a great thing to witness and be apart of. It really made me evaluate my own life and give thanks for all the blessings I have received.

Some other exciting news is that I finished my first semester of my credential/masters program and I am so proud of my 3.9 gpa. One A- killed the perfect gpa, but I am still happy to have done so well after taking 6 classes! I just found out that I will be working at a local area highschool two days a week for the the second part of my program which should be interesting as I am more familiar with junior high and elementary school ages. I have also submitted an application to the new charter high school in the district I currently work in for the fall. Keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck!

In the days following Christmas we all engaged in wicked games of Wii tennis, baseball, Mario Party, and Guitar Hero World Tour. My right arm is still sore from the tennis tournaments we had going for hours at a time. The holidays were wonderful this year and it made me happy to see my life changing every day. I am so happy about the decisions I have made and I stand by them 100%. I look forward to the New Year and all of the new discoveries and memories it will bring me.

Until then Happy Holidays everyone, you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Turkey Day

My family and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year! Jillian and I were the master chefs and decoration designers for our feast. Here are some fun pictures of our day...I am oh so thankful for my family!

What a beautiful day!

Our crafty table decorations!

The family...

Thankful

Thanksgiving has come and gone. I cannot believe that the year is almost over. I have to admit that it is somewhat of a relief though, as I get to start a new year, fresh and hopeful, a start with just myself to take care of. 2008 was a rough year, I lost a piece of me and who I was, but I also a found a strength in relying on people who love me. So with the holidays approaching so quickly, I couldn't let the year end without publicly publishing my thank you list. There are some people who really stood by me and showed me what true friendships and love really are.

First and foremost, my Mom, my rock, my best friend! My mom has a always stood by my decisions and never judged me, even if she disagreed with those said decisions. She has given me a place of refuge to go to until my head clears and until I am ready to step back out there on my own. It has been a weird process as I am almost 30 years old and I live with my mom again. I thought it would be going backwards for me, but it has actually helped me move forward and who wouldn't want to be surrounded by love when you are going through such a difficult transition. So thank you mom, I owe you so much more than I will probably ever be able to give back to you, but I will try my hardest! I love you!

My cousin Jillian and her husband Jared, the newlyweds in the family, have been such a great source of love and wisdom. Countless times these past few months they have made sure I kept busy, they listened to me, advised me, and have gladly made me the third wheel to many movie and dinner nights and even a Utah roadtrip. Their devotion and love for one another is reason alone for me to believe that it is possible to find true love in this world. I can only hope I find someone as perfect for me as they are for one another. Thank you Kennedy's, you have been more than just family to me, you have been very dear friends as well. I love you both.

My Ku'uipo, my friend, Maren. Well, Maren has been a different kind of support. My no nonsense, tell it like it is cousin has kept me focused. No sugar coating here. She has given me strength in a way no one else has. She won't let me wallow in despair or cry on her shoulder, but at the same time she has been considerate of my feelings and has not been "too" harsh. She helps me realize things are for the best and that I have made the right desicion. She makes me accept that the worst is over and to look forward to my future. But most of all she makes me laugh and to me that is so important as it is one of my favorite past times. So, thanks cousin for making me strong and making me laugh. I love ya!

My friends...specifically Genie, Dinah, Nicole, Karen,Natalie, and Danielle. As in one of my previous posts I said that it is amazng the people who show up and help you in a time of need.
Genie is one of my dearest friends, a true "best" friend who from day one has always had my best interest at heart. I think she is one of the greatest people in my life and without her I would be less of who I am today. From 90210 nights to walks on the beach to Maui trips to over-the-phone therapy sessions she has always been there for me. I love ya Genie!

Mz. Dinah, a surprise friendship. We went to highschool together and didn't even know one another and now ten years later she has become such a good, true friend. Her heart of gold and yummy cooking have been some of the things that have gotten my issues off my mind. She has been there for more then some people I have known for awhile and for that I can't thank her enough. Besos Di-nita.

Nicole, oh where do I start? My dumb and dumber partner in crime. Working with her has

made my job so much more of a fun place to be. I have laughed so much with her that my make-up has run, I couldn't breathe, and my stomach muscles have literally hurt. Another surprise as she has been there for me more than most and I will in turn always be there for her. Heart you Nickie BM!

Karen, my boss who hates to be called that, but it's okay because she has been more than just a boss to me for a very long time. Karen has always been such a good friend, inside and outside of work. She has supported my choices and has given very wise words of advise. We share books, gossip, and laughs and I know she is there for me in my times of need! Thank you Karen, I love ya lots!

Natalie, other than family I have known her the longest. The little sister of one of my cherished friend's has gone from a little girl to one of the most compassionate and kind hearted woman I know. Her sensitive nature has been a great comfort to me and when Nicole, her, and I get together it's chaos! Above all she has listened and gave me great advice from the heart and I love ya for that Nat! Thank you so much.

Danielle, we lost touch for awhile, but I am so happy to have you back in my life. Thank you for your concern and love for my well being! Thank you so much for connecting me back to Caroline too. I am so glad we can share something as special as our faith together. I truly love ya Dan Dan!

There are so many other people to thank, I haven't forgotten what any of you have done. I hate to lump you all together, but if you don't mind, I will save my personal words for you for another day.

We all have something to be thankful for and I hope you all take the time to remind those who you are thankful for, even if it is yourself, what they (or you!)mean to you.