home for the holidays

ok so this is very late, but i worked on it and so i thought it deserved a go, please ignore any dates mentioned as they all occurred in december!!!

This year's Christmas was wonderful. I had expected it to be a little sad, a little melancholy perhaps, but I was so happy to find that it wasn't. After all, I was home. At my mom's where Christmas is always perfect. The stockings were hung with care above the blazing fireplace, we had the annual themed Christmas tree in all of it's red and white striped glory, baked goodies straight from mom's oven, brand new Christmas eve pajamas (a yearly tradition for my family), family filtering in at different times to visit, and as always the love my mom puts on all of the things she touches (even the creepy little Santa and Mrs. Claus dolls - Jillian feels me on this one). It has always been truly magical at her house.

As I have gotten older I have relished Christmas more, because I am able to contribute more and help out more. The downside to this whole getting older business though is that as we make our own new families and hold better jobs, we don't get to all be together like we did when we were kids. This year we were missing a few family . Jillian and Jared, Rhizi and Matty, and Jocey all had other obligations and while I completely understand, the absence of their presence was noted. It was the first Christmas that I didn't get to see them and I missed them greatly.

However, we had some regulars and new additions this year which is always exciting. Auntie Karen came to visit as usual. I love having her around to hang out with, we always laugh so much. Asa, my cousin Tara and Paul's son was with us for the first time in a long while, as well as Tara and Paul who usually only get to come every other year. They know how to have a good time and so I really enjoyed spending time with them. My Auntie Leona also brought her boyfriend Tom, who really is great guy and obviously makes her very happy. Milanca, my brother Dylan's girlfriend and her son Xavier were also there which was really nice. I love the smile my brother wears when they are around and it was so nice to have a little one around for the holidays as Jocey, our 17 year old, is the youngest baby of our family. There is nothing like the joy of a toddler opening presents and ditching the toy to play with the shredded wrapping paper, packing popcorn, and boxes instead. It made my biological clock start ticking louder than ever.

My mom also celebrated a birthday in this week. My brother insisted we go to a restaurant in Hollywood that he loves. Yamashiros is perched upon the hills in Hollywood and overlooks the entire city. It was a beautiful location and incredible food. My mom had a great time and we all had a wonderful evening with good food, good company, and a great scenic location.

This year I also got to be apart of a great event held by the Dream Center downtown. The Dream Center held it's Sunday service at the Galen Center on the 21st to giveaway 3,000 bikes, 1,000 scooters, and 10,000 toys to the children of Los Angeles. When we arrived the line was wrapped through the city streets and many of those people had been there since 3:00pm the day before just to get bikes for their children for Christmas. Many of them are either homeless or are living in very poor conditions. Caroline Barnett and her husband Matthew Barnett are the pastors of the church. Caroline and I went to highschool together where we were both cheerleaders. We lost contact after school ended and hadn't seen one another in almost ten years. However, we were reconnected by my good friend Danielle (also a HHS alum and cheerleader) and I have been attending Matthew and Caroline's church since. I truly love all of the community outreach the church does, it is amazing and a New Years resolution of mine is to get more involved with the youth, as I love working with them. The event was awesome, celebrity guests performed and then got right into the lines and handed out gifts and took pictures with the kids. We were very blessed to have VIP access and so we were also able to walk around and see the smiles on the children's faces as they received their bikes and toys. Such a great thing to witness and be apart of. It really made me evaluate my own life and give thanks for all the blessings I have received.

Some other exciting news is that I finished my first semester of my credential/masters program and I am so proud of my 3.9 gpa. One A- killed the perfect gpa, but I am still happy to have done so well after taking 6 classes! I just found out that I will be working at a local area highschool two days a week for the the second part of my program which should be interesting as I am more familiar with junior high and elementary school ages. I have also submitted an application to the new charter high school in the district I currently work in for the fall. Keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck!

In the days following Christmas we all engaged in wicked games of Wii tennis, baseball, Mario Party, and Guitar Hero World Tour. My right arm is still sore from the tennis tournaments we had going for hours at a time. The holidays were wonderful this year and it made me happy to see my life changing every day. I am so happy about the decisions I have made and I stand by them 100%. I look forward to the New Year and all of the new discoveries and memories it will bring me.

Until then Happy Holidays everyone, you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Turkey Day

My family and I had a wonderful Thanksgiving this year! Jillian and I were the master chefs and decoration designers for our feast. Here are some fun pictures of our day...I am oh so thankful for my family!

What a beautiful day!

Our crafty table decorations!

The family...

Thankful

Thanksgiving has come and gone. I cannot believe that the year is almost over. I have to admit that it is somewhat of a relief though, as I get to start a new year, fresh and hopeful, a start with just myself to take care of. 2008 was a rough year, I lost a piece of me and who I was, but I also a found a strength in relying on people who love me. So with the holidays approaching so quickly, I couldn't let the year end without publicly publishing my thank you list. There are some people who really stood by me and showed me what true friendships and love really are.

First and foremost, my Mom, my rock, my best friend! My mom has a always stood by my decisions and never judged me, even if she disagreed with those said decisions. She has given me a place of refuge to go to until my head clears and until I am ready to step back out there on my own. It has been a weird process as I am almost 30 years old and I live with my mom again. I thought it would be going backwards for me, but it has actually helped me move forward and who wouldn't want to be surrounded by love when you are going through such a difficult transition. So thank you mom, I owe you so much more than I will probably ever be able to give back to you, but I will try my hardest! I love you!

My cousin Jillian and her husband Jared, the newlyweds in the family, have been such a great source of love and wisdom. Countless times these past few months they have made sure I kept busy, they listened to me, advised me, and have gladly made me the third wheel to many movie and dinner nights and even a Utah roadtrip. Their devotion and love for one another is reason alone for me to believe that it is possible to find true love in this world. I can only hope I find someone as perfect for me as they are for one another. Thank you Kennedy's, you have been more than just family to me, you have been very dear friends as well. I love you both.

My Ku'uipo, my friend, Maren. Well, Maren has been a different kind of support. My no nonsense, tell it like it is cousin has kept me focused. No sugar coating here. She has given me strength in a way no one else has. She won't let me wallow in despair or cry on her shoulder, but at the same time she has been considerate of my feelings and has not been "too" harsh. She helps me realize things are for the best and that I have made the right desicion. She makes me accept that the worst is over and to look forward to my future. But most of all she makes me laugh and to me that is so important as it is one of my favorite past times. So, thanks cousin for making me strong and making me laugh. I love ya!

My friends...specifically Genie, Dinah, Nicole, Karen,Natalie, and Danielle. As in one of my previous posts I said that it is amazng the people who show up and help you in a time of need.
Genie is one of my dearest friends, a true "best" friend who from day one has always had my best interest at heart. I think she is one of the greatest people in my life and without her I would be less of who I am today. From 90210 nights to walks on the beach to Maui trips to over-the-phone therapy sessions she has always been there for me. I love ya Genie!

Mz. Dinah, a surprise friendship. We went to highschool together and didn't even know one another and now ten years later she has become such a good, true friend. Her heart of gold and yummy cooking have been some of the things that have gotten my issues off my mind. She has been there for more then some people I have known for awhile and for that I can't thank her enough. Besos Di-nita.

Nicole, oh where do I start? My dumb and dumber partner in crime. Working with her has

made my job so much more of a fun place to be. I have laughed so much with her that my make-up has run, I couldn't breathe, and my stomach muscles have literally hurt. Another surprise as she has been there for me more than most and I will in turn always be there for her. Heart you Nickie BM!

Karen, my boss who hates to be called that, but it's okay because she has been more than just a boss to me for a very long time. Karen has always been such a good friend, inside and outside of work. She has supported my choices and has given very wise words of advise. We share books, gossip, and laughs and I know she is there for me in my times of need! Thank you Karen, I love ya lots!

Natalie, other than family I have known her the longest. The little sister of one of my cherished friend's has gone from a little girl to one of the most compassionate and kind hearted woman I know. Her sensitive nature has been a great comfort to me and when Nicole, her, and I get together it's chaos! Above all she has listened and gave me great advice from the heart and I love ya for that Nat! Thank you so much.

Danielle, we lost touch for awhile, but I am so happy to have you back in my life. Thank you for your concern and love for my well being! Thank you so much for connecting me back to Caroline too. I am so glad we can share something as special as our faith together. I truly love ya Dan Dan!

There are so many other people to thank, I haven't forgotten what any of you have done. I hate to lump you all together, but if you don't mind, I will save my personal words for you for another day.

We all have something to be thankful for and I hope you all take the time to remind those who you are thankful for, even if it is yourself, what they (or you!)mean to you.

I Love Me

My mind has been a blank canvas the last couple of days, hence why I have not posted. I could blame it on my busy credential program or to the fact that I am beginning a long term sub job, but deep down I know it is more than that. Moving on with your life after such a big change does something to your soul. It pulls it back and forth between the past and the present. I'll be getting along just fine doing some odd chore or task and then...BAM...a flash of my life a few months ago or ten years ago, pops into my head. It slows me down, makes me think, it hurts my heart. I know I am doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean it doesn't come with a price to pay. Becoming an independent person, free from the constraints of a relationship, feels a bit wrong. Maybe that didn't come out the way I intended. I have always been a two person unit, the decisions I made affected us both and vice versa. I am a monogamous creature by nature, I crave the closeness of a committed relationship. So to make a choice free from worrying about how it will impact my other half is so bizarre. I have always been so "in love" with the idea of love that I never took into consideration that someday I may not be anymore. Love yourself...I hear that a lot lately and trust me it weighs heavy on my heart. I mean I want good things in my life, I want to be happy, so I'm pretty sure that means I love myself. I wouldn't have made the decisions I have in the last couple of weeks if I didn't right? I have come to realize that...YES, I do love myself and I have taken some pretty big strides to remind myself of that. Co-ed softball, boot camp, the Dream Center, going to concerts, reading a good book, hanging out with my family and friends...it's all ways I try to remind myself that I love "me". So in turn I hope that you, whoever you are, reading this blog 'o mine, also makes the time to remind yourself that you love "you" too! Because we're worth it!

You Can Count On Me

I have received so much positive feedback from my first blog, it's a bit intimidating. Thank you so much everyone for your support and praise, it really made me smile. I plan to make this a weekly update blog and so I hope it does just that..you know, update you on my life and thoughts...but I hope it does so much more than that. I hope to inspire, to amuse, to make you think, and really I hope to make you laugh. After all, I love a good laugh.

Whenever times get tough we depend on the people in our lives who care about us. I know recently I have leaned on and at times pretty much collapsed on, my family and friends. The beauty of it is that they have been there to listen to me, to wipe my tears, to tell me it will get better, to make me laugh, and to keep me from having a raging pity party. Without them, this whole break-up scenario would be so much worse then it already is.

It's really amazing who comes through for you when you go through something bad. Sometimes the people who show up for you are surprising and sometimes the lack of certain people...is pretty disappointing. I know better then the next person that we all have struggles, we all have important things going on in our lives, but honestly, if you can't be there for a friend in their time of need, if even in a small way, who are you there for? And when it comes your turn to lean on someone, who do you expect to be there for you?

Philosopher and poet, Ralph Waldo once said

"The way to have a friend is to be a friend".

So true...

When it is all said and done though, it goes back to love. I love my family and friends and I would never want to take them for granted or see them suffer. The love we show one another can make a difference and however small or large that difference is...it impacts our lives. Do you really want to be the person who has had the least amount of impact on the life of someone you love?
I hope not...because...

I don't mean to sound preachy or condescending in any way, I just think we all need a reminder sometimes to make certain people in our lives higher on our priority list. And if we chose not to that's okay too, as long as we don't expect to be very high on theirs either.

Whatever the case may be, I am grateful for any and all support that has come my way. Those of you who have been there for me in whatever capacity, you know who are...thank you from the bottom of my heart, it means so much more to me than words could ever say. Please know that in your times of need...you can count on me as I have been able to count on you.

Until next time...xoxo

Re-Invention

When I was a little girl I had such romantic notions on how true love should be. I believed in "happily ever after" and prince charming. It's saddening how jaded I have become about the whole situation. I am a 29 year old woman who finds herself thrust back into the world, single and not quite ready to mingle. It's such a strange place to find myself in. When you are part of a couple for as long as I have been, the word "me" seems so foreign and lonely. I can't imagine loving someone that deeply again without being afraid of getting hurt. As if being alone would be easier. But, don't count me out as a spinster just yet, I believe I will find love again.

It may seem odd that I would post something so personal and intimate about myself here. But in an odd way, I feel as if I am cleansing my soul, eradicating all the bits and pieces stuck inside me that are holding onto to what "used to be". It is as if my words on the screen make what is happening more real and it is allowing me to find peace with it all. My relationship with Malakai has been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride, ups and downs, highs and lows, too many twists and turns.

Our love affair started when I was 16. The football player and the cheerleader, we were destined to be the stereotypical "high school sweethearts". So young and naive to think I had found "the one". I held onto him like he was the only prince charming in all the land. But, I believed and loved with my whole heart until it hurt, a quality I still pride myself on for the most part. Coulda, shoulda, wouldas...do I regret the length and history of him and I? Well...no, I am the woman I am today because of it. He taught me so much and it wasn't as if the entire relationship was doomed, it had its really wonderful moments for a long time.

I do know however, that I lost some of me in the whole relationship process. I lost the girl who was independent and confident. I hadn't been really taking care of myself because I was always so worried about Malakai. His demons became mine...until now. Taking a step back I look in the mirror today and think...where did you go? Come back and get back in the game of life, it's time to live for you now.

So here begins the blog of an almost thirtysomething, beginning again, starting over. I always assumed I would start this blog once I got married, but since that isn't happening anytime soon, why not start now? I invite you to join me on my journey of self-discovery as I begin to re-invent myself and attempt find love again in this city of angels.